Dear Mom,

As my birthday approaches, I want to thank you, as I always do this time of year (even if I don’t always do it out loud), for being my mom. I want to tell you how grateful I am for what you are doing for us. I know we have had some scuffles in the past and I have no doubt that we will have more in the future but that is the difference between true friends and family and people you get along with and might even like. You have problems and then you get past them and find a way to stay together.
I have spent most of the last ten years in and out of a depression so deep I was unable to even talk to anyone about it. I didn't want to worry you or anyone else, especially since I was so far away there was nothing anyone could do, even if there was something someone could do.

Since I came to Fairfax in October of 2006 I feel like I have been clawing my way out of that dark place with the help of you and Julie and Dominic--especially Dominic, it is magical how he has changed things. My focus and priorities are so different now. But while I have been feeling better and more hopeful during the last sixteen months, I have also been feeling such an amazing stress and burden of weight, knowing that somehow I was responsible for supporting all three of us.

While I don't begrudge that, I didn't know how it was going to be possible, and if I could find a way, it was going to mean I had no hope of going back to school or even having time to do all the things I have been excited to get back into now that I am somewhat inspired to be myself again.

My creativity had pretty much died while I was in WA, and suddenly it comes rushing back and I want to do everything at once. I want to decorate, garden, cook, sew, write, photograph everything, install solar panels, compost, recycle, make friends, take classes, etc. Working full time and then trying to make extra money on the side would not leave me with much energy to put towards any of those things, or even energy to take Dominic outside to play. That scares me and makes me want to just tune out.

As soon as the initial rush of moving and the chaos of Christmas passed the realization of that hit me like a freight train. Suddenly I knew there was no way we could afford to stay here if I was the only one working, and no way in hell I was going to be able to afford to go to school, not even for a night class here and there, and that really upset me. Suddenly life was on hold again. I stopped unpacking, stopped thinking about ways to improve this place, stopped my projects, stopped trying.

I was fighting with the old darkness again when the possibility of you trading houses or selling and buying came up and at first I was afraid to even consider it for fear I would get my hopes up and it wouldn't happen.

I don't think I can even express to you how big a deal this is to me. It isn't just the money, although obviously that is at the bottom of it, the foundation of it, technically. It is so much more than that. I mean, so much grows from that root. It represents and CREATES the world of possibility that has opened up to me, knowing that I won't be putting ALL of my time and energy into some meaningless job for the rest of my life just struggling to make ends meet, probably living in some crappy house in a bad neighborhood with no fresh air in Vallejo. It means so much to me, what you are willing to do for us.

It means we can try to find a way for us all to work from home or start some business that Julie and I can run while you care for Dominic. It means that if need be I can get a low-paying job that I don't hate and we will survive. It means none of us will have to live with people we don't want to, just because they help cover the bills. The very idea of having housemates or tenants again makes me cringe. As does the thought of any of us being in or staying in a less-than wonderful relationship because it's the easiest thing to do. It means I can make things and go to craft fairs and sell them, and sell stuff on eBay and Craigslist and still manage to cook some delicious food in a comfortable kitchen when I want to. It means we can plant things and know that we will still be here in ten years to see how they have grown. It means all these great ideas we have had over the years for that "forever home" will have a place to come to fruition. It is like a huge weight off my shoulders, just knowing that you will be there to help with Dominic when Julie and I are both working. And that we will be there to take care of you when you need us, without it being a struggle or a stress.

I am, for the first time in at least five years, feeling hopeful and positive. I am even happy sometimes. I planted seeds and they are sprouting. Soon I will have that box overflowing with cilantro and we'll have pesto from homegrown basil in no time! Little things, I know, but so symbolic and real at the same time.

I don't know if it is clear to you, but your doing this means, in my eyes, that you worked your entire adult life to create a home for all of us and I hope you feel it was worth it, because it means so much to me I just can't find the words to thank you enough. If I don't say it often or if I seem like I don't appreciate it at times in the future, rest assured that I do, and I always will. I feel like you saved my life.

Thanks Mom, I love you..